'Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?'
- Mary Oliver
Sarah Bessey recently published a post, In Which You are a Beloved Warrior, and her words got me thinking on what it means to be brave.
It means a lot of things.
Bravery is Frodo volunteering to be the ring carrier when certain danger awaits him in doing so. Bravery is Lily Potter throwing her body over infant Harry in an act of sacrificial love. Bravery is woven throughout the story of Beowulf and written into the characters of C.S. Lewis' series the Chronicles of Narnia.
To be brave is to act courageously, to live confidently.
Bravery is one of those virtuous concepts with deep spiritual significance. Bravery is the opposite of fear, and so in this it seems that bravery is intertwined with love.
Love is the one strong attribute that sends fear running, and it takes a strong dose of bravery to truly live in love.
In her post mentioned above Sarah Bessey presents the idea of being a kingdom warrior, which in her words means being 'an advocate or a peace maker or a shalom prophet, a warrior living into the Kingdom of God, a worshipper, a disciple – courageous and unafraid'.
Bessey is a pacifist, so her definition of a warrior is spiritual and ironic. I think she's spot on though, because her definition reflects the heart of God. According to Jesus, being brave means being a warrior living out the Kingdom of God, but this often looks differently than we might think. Being a Jesus-warrior is found in seeking Shalom, the Hebrew transliterated word for peace. Being bold for the kingdom means loving people courageously. It means being a disciple of Christ.
It means knowing you are loved.
You are loved.
Only when you know you are loved will you then be able to go out into the world and live boldly and confidently, for His perfect love casts out fear.
Love is the key motivator in living a brave life.
Here's the catch: God will not force Himself upon anyone.
In order to be loved, you must allow yourself to be loved. You must let down the walls and be vulnerable. You must put down the sword and shield, wave the white flag, and surrender to the God who is longing to pour out His love onto you.
And wow, when you start to receive that love you start to actually believe it, start to actually live out of a place that believes it.
Only when you deeply believe it, only when you truly grasp that you are loved will you, will any of us, then be able to live bravely.
This weekend I experienced an ordeal that made me feel the smallest I've felt in my entire life. My friend and I were in her car sitting at a stop sign. She pulled forward to proceed when a speeding truck suddenly t-boned the side of her car. The entire vehicle jolted like a boat being tossed by violent waves. My friend was thrown sideways, hands and arms were colliding, and my head slammed against the passenger side window.
The next few hours are hard to put into words. Thankfully, both my friend, myself, and the other driver involved are all safe. My friend's car took a bit of a beating, but hopefully that will all be sorted out smoothly enough. Each of us received scratches and bruises, and I have minor head injuries and neck strains. It could've been much, much worse. I suppose things can always be much, much worse.
Everyone involved is safe and free of serious injuries. I think more than anything all of us are a bit shaken up emotionally.
It's strange how your body reacts in situations such as these. Someone called the police, and somehow I found my way out of the car and onto the curb holding a red solo cup of water a bystander handed me, which I don't think I drank. All I could think was a series of questions: What needs to be done? Is Vic okay? Am I okay? Is the other car okay? Who do I need to call? Why does my head feel like a hammer is pounding against it? Um, grab the insurance? No idea. Where did this red cup come from? Baby steps: is the car more important or our safety? Oh wait, duh. Why does my head hurt so 'effing bad? It's like my mind was trying to process what my body was feeling and what was going on in the environment around me while at the same time trying to logically think through what needed to happen, trying to remain calm because stability is my friend and I absolutely shrink in the face of chaos.
But chaos wasn't going away, because my head was throbbing and some woman was asking me questions and all of a sudden I felt weak and vulnerable even though I was trying so hard to be brave.
I'm really good at pretending to be brave.
I don't think many people if any at all knew how small, how exposed and vulnerable I felt throughout the entire incident. No one knew that fear was crippling me, that doubt was shaking my soul.
Fast forward to a hospital room in which a nice old man with oversized glasses and a crisp, white coat that smelled like mint was shining a light into my eyes. Checking for concussions. Telling me to turn this way, then that. Requesting that I please say 'ah' (as if I had a choice) and commanding me to breathe real deep, in and out.
A nurse and a physician's assistant jotted notes and such. They set me up with what I needed and said they'd write me a prescription for pain medication. They asked if I wanted anything, and I said just a warm blanket and a fluffy pillow, please. They brought both to me, and then they were gone if only for a bit.
Then silence set in. It was just me, my emotional realizations, and God.
And I've never felt so small in my life.
Except for maybe one other time. I was five years old and sitting on my bed, wrapped in a blanket with a fluffy pillow for company. I had the chicken pox and I'd just taken an oatmeal bath to calm the itching. I didn't know why I was red and spotted, I just knew that I felt small.
Exposed. Vulnerable. Confused.
All I wanted was someone familiar to lean on, someone that could be brave for me in that moment.
The only other memory I have of that time in which I had the chicken pox is my mom being right there beside me the entire time, snuggling me and coddling me and overstepping my fears.
Sitting in that hospital room it was as if I was reverting back to my childhood, because I felt no older than five years old. I felt scared, out of control, and helpless. I felt way too vulnerable, and I hate feeling that way.
I whispered aloud, because I needed to speak it out: 'I'm trying to be brave'.
There, in the mysterious whisperings of the Spirit was this: 'Let me brave for you'.
Like Jericho the walls of my heart crumbled into nothingness, and as I collapsed into the pillow beside me I cried to the Presence that was so evident in that moment. You see, this is how God works: in our weaknesses, He is made much of.
In our weaknesses, He is strong.
And it's like God was showing me that part of having a child-like spirit is found in the beautiful act of surrender. Kids are so good at that, have you noticed? They're often in need of help, often unable to do this or that whether it be that they can't reach the cookie jar or they've fallen and scraped a knee. My little sister used to constantly ask me to help her draw, because she was learning how and she needed help. When kids need help, they're usually pretty good at letting you know.
In that moment, I needed God to teach me how to navigate an unexpected life experience. I needed His help and didn't want to admit it. I felt scared, out of control, and helpless because I indeed was. Life was hitting me hard, and I was absolutely unable to go it alone. Like an inexperienced child, I needed someone bigger, smarter, and more able to help me put my life together. I needed someone to walk the path before me.
I needed someone to teach me to be brave.
So I let God do what God does best: I let Him love me. In that moment as I let my guard down, God was able to pour out His love. As His love filled my cup, I was reminded that I am only ever brave because of Him who gives me strength. I dwelt on Jesus, I embraced Abba, I called upon the Spirit. Empowerment is found through the act of sweet surrender, because in waving our white flags we are acknowledging that we cannot be brave on our own.
In embracing a surrendered spirit, we are acknowledging that we need God.
From the moment the accident happened to the moment of my emotional breakdown, fear was holding me captive. The moment I spoke it out though, cast that fear into the light, divine love sent fear running.
It's been a rough weekend. There have been moments in which fear has crept back in. I've found I can't let myself dwell on the accident for too long, otherwise I begin to think of what could've happened instead of what actually did happen. I've been up and down emotionally. I've got a lovely bump on the side of my head and my neck and upper body are sore and hurting. I'm choking down pain medicine because I'm awful at swallowing pills, and I'm allowing myself greasy food because I'm nutritious most days but special occasions call for cheeseburgers.
I've had better days, this much is true.
Today has been better, today has been joyful. It's not without help though. God is setting His fire aflame deep within my soul.
This entire experience reminded me of a solid truth, and so even in this broken ordeal I can say God worked good from it: He reminded me who I am.
You see, I had a moment that was terrifying and inspiring all in the same breath. Right before the other truck collided with my friend's car, I saw it happen. What I mean is this: turning my head to the side I saw the truck.
Wide, shiny, silver.
A grill so tall that the truck's front window wasn't even visible from the window of my friend's car, which was lower to the ground and at a much smaller size.
I saw the truck, and I knew that we were about to be hit by it.
It was too close, too fast, too big.
And I wanted to brace myself, wanted to grasp onto something solid and hard to assure myself that I was in control of my life right in that moment.
But I wasn't.
The Mama Dragon came out in me and I wanted to protect my friend, wanted to be brave and strong and all things empowering.
But I couldn't.
That moment reminded me of a truth that we all know but hardly live out like we know it to be true: life is too short, too unexpected, to live any other way but in love.
I have one life.
One sweet, precious, glorious life.
In that terrifying moment God reminded me who I am in which my life purpose is found.
Warrior.
I am a beloved warrior, and I am made to live each moment in love.
To borrow words from Sarah's post 'We’ve not been called to the people-pleasing life, to the approval seeking life, to the bow-down-and-give-up life or the sit-down-and-shut-up life. We’ve been called to the peace-making life, the truth-telling life, the she-who-the-Son-sets-free-is-free-indeed life. We’ve been called to the spirit-filled and God-breathed life, living out the ways of the Kingdom and the life in Christ to every corner of our humanity'.
I am made to be a love warrior, a kingdom warrior. You're made for it too. I think we all are, because we are all made to play a part in bringing this kingdom of heaven to earth. We're all made to seek Shalom, made to speak out words of truth and live out confident actions of love.
Which, ironically, is found in sweet surrender to our God who is strong. He holds us up with His mighty hand. When we engage God, we find that He makes us brave. His love gives us confidence. His Spirit gives us courage. His love empowers us to love other people.
When we abide in Him, we find we can finally do what we want to do.
When we live empowered by His Spirit, we find we can finally say what we want to say.
It's like this: life is unexpected and our circumstances are ever-shifting beneath our feet.
Praise Him that we have identities that stand firm and a God who calls us, men and women alike, by name: beloved warriors.
Let's answer His call together, shall we? Let's welcome His Spirit. Let's join hands and throw our arms 'round each other as brothers and sisters united in love. Let's stand for peace. Let's seize each moment boldly, let's send fear running daily. Let's experience transformation and seek Jesus together, because when He came to this earth He began a movement of restoration, and it's a movement that He's asking us to participate in. Let's engage kingdom equality and beautiful living as outlined in the Scriptures.
Let's bring the kingdom to earth.
I want to see us be brave.
